A Moment Alone

Life surely changes people. If I recall myself years back then, I was a very insecure child. I remembered I couldn't even get through just one day in kindergarden without crying because I was being bullied by the boys at kindergarden. Having to go to school was such a nightmare at that time, every morning I wished the school bus came late so I wouldn't have to meet the boys or at least the class already started so the boys couldn't tease me.

I'm not sure until now, whether it was my vulnerability that attracted bad boys to bully me at school or the bully that made me vulnerable. However the nightmare memory from childhood, really affected my self-esteem during my youth period. I was a very shy and introvert person. Even though I have some close friends, I didn't really open myself to them. I was afraid to speak in public and I spoke very softly that teachers barely couldn't hear. Another issue I noticed is I didn't like to be left alone, especially in new environment. Fortunately I have my twin sister almost in every activity, which avoiding me from being all alone, without realizing that I became dependent on her, only to make friends.

As a result, when we went to junior high school, my parents decided that the school should placed both of us in different classes and I struggled to make friends with people in my class, while my twin sister quickly had a clique from her class. I started to feel that I was left behind. Even though I managed to have few friends to hang out with, I wasn't really close with them. I felt lonely a lot during that period.

It was until I joined this one youth community, where my social life started getting better and better. I could say that the community changed me as a person. The activities involved in that community require the member to speak in public, share our thoughts and feelings to others and contribute our talents and creativity. Slowly, I gained more self-esteem and could open myself to others and engaged more with other people. 

However, the big changes from being solo into having a lot of friends, resulted in me becoming dependent with having friends or other people surrounded me. I still feel insecure being alone. I recalled that I didn't feel comfortable when I have to rent a room near my University as my campus is quite far from home. The insecurity aroused as I didn't know anybody in my building but I also didn't like being alone in my room, as I have no company. As a result, I tried my best to avoid staying too long in my room, either I spent my days in my friends' room in other building or went home. I guessed the childhood trauma was not completely gone.

As I grew older, I managed to find serenity by being alone. I realized I am no more afraid with the fact of being alone. Since I moved here in Copenhagen, I spent a lot of time being alone at home, but I don't feel insecure about it. In fact, I am quite enjoying my solo time, it's my time to reflect, to relax and to do things I wanna do. Thus I could proudly tell myself, yes I am alone, but I am not lonely :)

Cheers,

Indispensable Lady